Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
The "More Is MORE" of Cake Decorating
If you think you know something about icing cakes, you are probably wrong. It's no simple thing. I mean, sure, anybody can slap a little icing on a cake and maybe you mostly won't see the cake through the icing, or have gobs sliding down the sides or somehow manage to make it lop-sided. And even if you manage to cover the cake half-decently, who is to say that the decorating will go over well? The Cake Boss may make it look easy, but that doesn't mean it is easy.
I'm sure we've all had a family gathering of sorts that you're expected to go to and someone comes up with the brilliant idea that because you're "artistic" that must mean that you can bake a cake! (Shakira's artistic, she sings, so she must be a whiz in the kitchen! Right??*) So here you are, saddled with the chore of trying to come up with something family-fun related and not at all mangled. You decide to bake the cake yourself and maybe have some design or flowers or something on it, and a cute little saying like "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Easter" or "Congrats on your Little Angel".
So first you bake a cake, and let's be honest, you got some help from Betty Crocker and Walmart's baking isle. Don't be too ashamed, ingredients and measuring aren't for everybody and for most of us "winging-it" doesn't turn out well. So you have a cake now, hopefully not too burnt, and most of it came out of the pan okay. Toss that baby on the cooling rack and then when its mostly cooled, throw it in a bag and put it in the freezer**. Don't think that freezer burn cancels out the other burn- seal the bag! Freezing your cake helps lock in the moisture, so you probably wanted to bake your cake yesterday. Oh well.
Take it back out of the freezer. If you are like half of North American women, you probably don't have a turntable. If you have one, get a dj, stick him in the corner and have him remix you some tunes while you decorate. But seriously, a cake turntable is actually very useful when decorating. If you're the other half of North American women and you have one, you probably got it with your wedding registry items and it's still in the box in the basement under your crockpot and fancy towels. Dig it out, you'll need it.
Centre your cake on the turntable and cut it in half. Top and bottom halves, not the other way. Put the top half to the side and get out the Betty Crocker icing you bought. Give it a good stir and gob some icing on the bottom half. Smooth it out. There is a trick to this but I'm not gonna give it up. If you don't know how to properly do it then just get crumbs in it like everyone else and get on with it, or watch a youtube instructional video.
Once that's done (consider it your practice round because the top is next and people will see that part), put the top back on and repeat: gob, then smooth.
Once you've done the top, do the sides. If your cake is round this shouldn't be too much trouble. If its square or rectangle, good luck on those corners.
Now your cake is iced. Wherever you see cake showing through or some crumbs is where you're gonna want to decorate a little more, but lets start with a border: something around the bottom and around the top. If you're sneaky, you will have bought pre-coloured icing in the tubes that fit the shaped tips that just screw onto the tubes. Fine, use the star, it's the most interesting. With a steady hand- I said steady, put the wine down and focus- position your tip almost against the part of the cake you're starting at, and squeeze. You'll want to keep even pressure while you turn the cake on the turntable. Well it's mostly even and somewhat straight and if you'd have stayed away from the wine until after you were done it might have looked better, but hopefully everyone will be trashed at your niece's christening so no one will notice... right? Have another sip so it looks straight and do the border on the top, same idea: position, even pressure (mostly), and turn. If one spot looks sparse, just add some more on top: more is more.
Now you've got a cake with icing and a border. Now what? Well, if you Google "cakes" you'll probably see mostly things that are WAY out of your ability and creative reaches. But that one has some flowers, so maybe try a few of those. Since you don't know what you're doing, maybe do a few practice ones on the counter to see if you're doing it right. Or maybe not, and just go for it.
Okay that one didn't turn out so well. Maybe you can fix it. But probably not. And now its a gob. So put a few sprinkles on it and maybe no one will notice. Try another one. Maybe it will look better than the first. Nope. Maybe if you just poke that one spot, it will turn into a star. Or maybe not. Have another sip, and sprinkle. Hey, maybe you can make a theme of sprinkles! Like "Sprinklings of Joy on Your Happy Day, Grandpa!" So then maybe you take the idea a little too far. But wait, More is More, right? Never too many sprinkles!! Load up your cake with icing gobs and sprinkles, because clearly no one would believe that's a flower or a star or anything else you could've tried to pass it off as.
Now you have a space left, mostly centred in the middle of your gobs. Now to write your message. You could write it out on paper and see how it turns out, or again, take a practice round on the counter or other surface, but what the heck, you're great at writing birthday cards and this can't be very different, so just go ahead and start right on your cake.
It's not very centred and Timmy's name is squished on and halfway down the side... maybe people will think you did that on purpose. It's kind of "artistic" right?
So if you're thinking now that you maybe should have just gone to the grocery store and gotten one of those pre-made cakes that are ready for you to request a saying and take it away, you're probably right.
OR, you could take a cake decorating class.
The first option is definitely easier, and cheaper in the short term. But if you ever want to show up at your family gathering with a little bit of pride and something to show for your creative talent besides that single that never got played on the radio or the paintings that keep piling up, half-finished in the spare bedroom, the second option is definitely worth while. Introductory cake decorating classes range in price and time, but a few hours with a professional will at least give you some confidence in making a cake for your best friend's bachelorette (because not everyone wants a penis cake anymore) or some cupcakes for Aunt Sue's "Newly Single" party.
And even if you have no reason to decorate a cake, at least now you'll know how to make Butter Cream icing (cause if you're gonna eat it out of the tub by yourself on a Thursday night, it might as well be homemade!)
Happy Decorating!
*probably not, the girl looks like she's never seen butter, let alone butter cream icing!
** be gentle, it's a cake not a Frisbee
I'm sure we've all had a family gathering of sorts that you're expected to go to and someone comes up with the brilliant idea that because you're "artistic" that must mean that you can bake a cake! (Shakira's artistic, she sings, so she must be a whiz in the kitchen! Right??*) So here you are, saddled with the chore of trying to come up with something family-fun related and not at all mangled. You decide to bake the cake yourself and maybe have some design or flowers or something on it, and a cute little saying like "Happy Mother's Day" or "Happy Easter" or "Congrats on your Little Angel".
So first you bake a cake, and let's be honest, you got some help from Betty Crocker and Walmart's baking isle. Don't be too ashamed, ingredients and measuring aren't for everybody and for most of us "winging-it" doesn't turn out well. So you have a cake now, hopefully not too burnt, and most of it came out of the pan okay. Toss that baby on the cooling rack and then when its mostly cooled, throw it in a bag and put it in the freezer**. Don't think that freezer burn cancels out the other burn- seal the bag! Freezing your cake helps lock in the moisture, so you probably wanted to bake your cake yesterday. Oh well.
Take it back out of the freezer. If you are like half of North American women, you probably don't have a turntable. If you have one, get a dj, stick him in the corner and have him remix you some tunes while you decorate. But seriously, a cake turntable is actually very useful when decorating. If you're the other half of North American women and you have one, you probably got it with your wedding registry items and it's still in the box in the basement under your crockpot and fancy towels. Dig it out, you'll need it.
Centre your cake on the turntable and cut it in half. Top and bottom halves, not the other way. Put the top half to the side and get out the Betty Crocker icing you bought. Give it a good stir and gob some icing on the bottom half. Smooth it out. There is a trick to this but I'm not gonna give it up. If you don't know how to properly do it then just get crumbs in it like everyone else and get on with it, or watch a youtube instructional video.
Once that's done (consider it your practice round because the top is next and people will see that part), put the top back on and repeat: gob, then smooth.
Once you've done the top, do the sides. If your cake is round this shouldn't be too much trouble. If its square or rectangle, good luck on those corners.
Now your cake is iced. Wherever you see cake showing through or some crumbs is where you're gonna want to decorate a little more, but lets start with a border: something around the bottom and around the top. If you're sneaky, you will have bought pre-coloured icing in the tubes that fit the shaped tips that just screw onto the tubes. Fine, use the star, it's the most interesting. With a steady hand- I said steady, put the wine down and focus- position your tip almost against the part of the cake you're starting at, and squeeze. You'll want to keep even pressure while you turn the cake on the turntable. Well it's mostly even and somewhat straight and if you'd have stayed away from the wine until after you were done it might have looked better, but hopefully everyone will be trashed at your niece's christening so no one will notice... right? Have another sip so it looks straight and do the border on the top, same idea: position, even pressure (mostly), and turn. If one spot looks sparse, just add some more on top: more is more.
Now you've got a cake with icing and a border. Now what? Well, if you Google "cakes" you'll probably see mostly things that are WAY out of your ability and creative reaches. But that one has some flowers, so maybe try a few of those. Since you don't know what you're doing, maybe do a few practice ones on the counter to see if you're doing it right. Or maybe not, and just go for it.
Okay that one didn't turn out so well. Maybe you can fix it. But probably not. And now its a gob. So put a few sprinkles on it and maybe no one will notice. Try another one. Maybe it will look better than the first. Nope. Maybe if you just poke that one spot, it will turn into a star. Or maybe not. Have another sip, and sprinkle. Hey, maybe you can make a theme of sprinkles! Like "Sprinklings of Joy on Your Happy Day, Grandpa!" So then maybe you take the idea a little too far. But wait, More is More, right? Never too many sprinkles!! Load up your cake with icing gobs and sprinkles, because clearly no one would believe that's a flower or a star or anything else you could've tried to pass it off as.
Now you have a space left, mostly centred in the middle of your gobs. Now to write your message. You could write it out on paper and see how it turns out, or again, take a practice round on the counter or other surface, but what the heck, you're great at writing birthday cards and this can't be very different, so just go ahead and start right on your cake.
It's not very centred and Timmy's name is squished on and halfway down the side... maybe people will think you did that on purpose. It's kind of "artistic" right?
So if you're thinking now that you maybe should have just gone to the grocery store and gotten one of those pre-made cakes that are ready for you to request a saying and take it away, you're probably right.
OR, you could take a cake decorating class.
The first option is definitely easier, and cheaper in the short term. But if you ever want to show up at your family gathering with a little bit of pride and something to show for your creative talent besides that single that never got played on the radio or the paintings that keep piling up, half-finished in the spare bedroom, the second option is definitely worth while. Introductory cake decorating classes range in price and time, but a few hours with a professional will at least give you some confidence in making a cake for your best friend's bachelorette (because not everyone wants a penis cake anymore) or some cupcakes for Aunt Sue's "Newly Single" party.
And even if you have no reason to decorate a cake, at least now you'll know how to make Butter Cream icing (cause if you're gonna eat it out of the tub by yourself on a Thursday night, it might as well be homemade!)
Happy Decorating!
*probably not, the girl looks like she's never seen butter, let alone butter cream icing!
** be gentle, it's a cake not a Frisbee
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Hope for a Houseplant
You can't die. If you die, I'll lose all hope. I used to think I could do anything, but if you die, I'll know I can fail at something. The veil I've laid over my own eyes will be removed and I'll see myself for what I really am. If I can't even keep you alive, what am I worth?
When I got you, you were strong and beautiful. You only need a few things to keep you going. Have I failed you in your smallest and greatest needs all together? Did the cat attack you one too many times? I should have put you higher up.
Let me feed you again. Water. Sunlight- everyone needs sunlight, especially you. Please come back to me. Flower and bloom. Bring back the deep, vibrant colours of the days when we first met.
Let's stay alive together. One bad month or two can't keep us down, right? There is hope for revival. I'll help you, and you help me. "Keep a plant alive for more than one bloom" is on my list of things to do before I die.. we're in this one together and I won't let you go just yet.
Monday, June 16, 2014
How Will You Use Your Seconds?
Anything.
Everything.
Something.
Nothing.
Seconds tick by so quickly that rarely do we notice individual moments coming and going. We sleep, we eat, we go about our lives. The normal is perpendicular to the abnormal; where the normal keeps going straight and the abnormal disrupts the natural rhythm of our lives, and we stop to take notice.
A birth.
A death.
An accident.
A miracle.
Life changing events happen in a second. They sneak up on us in our most unsuspecting moments, and tear through our habitual, methodical lives to take us by surprise.
A bad decision.
A negative response.
A gunshot.
Just like that you life will change, never to be the same as the moment before.
A sound.
A noise.
A crash.
Words on average are typed at .5 per second, spoken at 1.5 per second and read at 4-5 per second. Incredible how information can be shared so quickly.
An announcement.
A proclamation.
A victory.
We never know when our seconds will end, or how many we will have to keep using. To keep wasting. On eating alone, or watching t.v. Video games and mocking people in the street or on the bus. Shameful things are done in seconds. And blessings are given in seconds. I don't know the weight of a wasted moment or the density of a well-used second, but I sure hope that the latter outweighs the former in the end.
Everything.
Something.
Nothing.
Seconds tick by so quickly that rarely do we notice individual moments coming and going. We sleep, we eat, we go about our lives. The normal is perpendicular to the abnormal; where the normal keeps going straight and the abnormal disrupts the natural rhythm of our lives, and we stop to take notice.
A birth.
A death.
An accident.
A miracle.
Life changing events happen in a second. They sneak up on us in our most unsuspecting moments, and tear through our habitual, methodical lives to take us by surprise.
A bad decision.
A negative response.
A gunshot.
Just like that you life will change, never to be the same as the moment before.
A sound.
A noise.
A crash.
Words on average are typed at .5 per second, spoken at 1.5 per second and read at 4-5 per second. Incredible how information can be shared so quickly.
An announcement.
A proclamation.
A victory.
We never know when our seconds will end, or how many we will have to keep using. To keep wasting. On eating alone, or watching t.v. Video games and mocking people in the street or on the bus. Shameful things are done in seconds. And blessings are given in seconds. I don't know the weight of a wasted moment or the density of a well-used second, but I sure hope that the latter outweighs the former in the end.
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