The Journey of Life And Death

"We are a partnership that can never be conquered. In life and in the afterlife, we are connected."

Profound words from one of the wisest people I know. She was something different to everyone who knew her, but to me, she was my best friend. Always and forever. And she knew me. She knew things about me that I never had to tell her, and she knew just how to kick my ass when I needed it.

The words above are words taken from a letter she wrote me when I was graduating from University.

Well now, you've "graduated" to another place. I can't be mad, angry or disappointed that you left. You had to. It was your time to go. And really, that is the only place you've truly wanted to be... ever. And even more-so since your papa and gramma went there. The "anger" stage of grief has to be passed over- it is irrelevant; non-existent. How could I be mad at God for bringing you home? And how could I be mad at you for leaving me here? There is no one to feel anger against in this situation, only those I could deflect it onto. And since you and I both know that is a terrible idea, I won't do that.

Shock and denial? Yes, that happened. Of course it did. How can you be gone? And are you really gone? You're around me everywhere. In everything I see and touch and hear and every place I go. I see you embedded in every aspect of my life. Knowing you and your faith and belief in me caused me to have faith in myself and strength to move to Toronto, and then to Barcelona. Words you've spoken helped me feel worthy of certain opportunities and joyful about accomplishments. We did that for each other. Your successes were mine and mine were yours. So of course I denied you were gone. I'm still here- how can you not be? And shock. Never have I had more jarring moments than realizing that you'll never answer another text, or another email. You'll never send another letter or funny card in the mail, and the cards I see for you will either stay on the store shelves, or go to someone else- someone who may find them funny, but not ever in the same ways you would. That's just history for you. That's the result of transitions of life from playing with Barbies, to getting our periods, to liking boys, to heartache, to refound faith in ourselves and God, to graduations, to family triumphs, to family pain, to becoming adults and becoming aunts (or in your case aunties), to being the one looked up to instead of the one looking up. Except that I still look up to you- literally and figuratively. We were equal in height for so long and then you grew and I didn't. Now I feel like we were equal in other ways and then you flew... up in to the sky, where I will always look up to you.

Pain and Guilt. Yup, I feel that. Like an amputation- part of me was taken off. Like a victim of war who went to bed whole and woke up in the ICU without legs. Except this amputation was of the heart. And I woke up alone. No doctors and nurses taking care of me, no drugs to numb the pain. No counselor to help guide me through the psychological part of losing a piece of myself and no physiotherapist to help me learn to walk again. Do I wish I had sent the card a few weeks earlier? Yes. Do I wish you didn't have to go by yourself? Yes. Do I wish I would have asked for more time off work to come down and see you even one more weekend? Of course. I would wish those things anyway, even if you weren't gone. Do I think about my future and wonder what will hold me down and keep me connected? Who will help keep me grounded? In another letter you once said that I "bring a foundation and history to my life as much as energy and laughter". The same can be said of what you brought to mine. There was a balance that you brought to my life that I cannot explain. You were a constant. Despite trying to stay in touch, everyone else has the possibility of coming and going in life- that is just the way things are. How many people can say that they are still friends with the people in their bridal party, or those they went to highschool with, or university, or elementary school, or camp. But you and I, we did all those things (except the bridal party part, but you'll be there one way or another). And we had very real plans of drinking lemonade on our porch together when we are 80, and serving homemade cookies to the kids on our street. Don't ask me what our husbands/ significant others were up to in these dreams of ours, but we were going to live together. Knowing that that will never happen, breaks my heart every time I think of it. You are the person who knows me best, and part of me thinks that you had to go for my own sake. There is another person coming to take a very real part of my life, and hanging on to you the way a child hangs on to a stuffed animal or security blanket would hinder that relationship. A child can't learn to ride a bike if they are holding on to something else; they can't go to school and learn and grow if they are hanging on to something out of fear or desperation to stay the same. You have in many ways been a security blanket for me- the thing that reminds me that I am safe, whole and loved. But its time for me to be that whole, safe, loved person on my own so that I can be that security for someone else. I have not, to this day, thought I could be a good mother because I have so many of my own insecurities and lean so heavily on feelings of support from you, whether you knew it or not. Just like the audition you yelled me into going to, I heard you telling me I'm strong, and telling me I deserve things and telling me should try for things. How can I be the support for another person, a husband or child, when I didn't tell myself the whole wonderful things that you told me about myself. Like I've said a hundred times, you knew me better than I knew myself, and I truly believe that. Just like hindsight is 20/20, so is looking in from the outside. I knew the same strong, deserving things about you that you couldn't see for yourself. So now, in this place where I need to stand on my own two feet and support and believe in myself instead of leaning into you while you lean into me, I realize that while we loved each other, we were support for each other, we were also each other's crutches. Always letting the other person see our weakness and hold us up. If I were metaphorically a tree, I would have to learn to stand straight, or fall over. Saplings are often tied to poles in order that they withstand wind and rain and root themselves properly. You've been the pole I've been tethered to. And I thank you so much for keeping me upright. You never let me truly fall. 30 is upon me, and finding that I am grounded enough in who I am and the foundations of my life that have been laid beneath me and the nutrients that I have been granted and love I have had flow over me, I know I need to be strong on my own now. I'll stand or I'll fall, but my safety net is gone.

"Depression", Reflection and Loneliness. I think it is safe to say that I am experiencing all of that, wholly, fully and thoroughly. Looking at your pictures, or pictures of us together, letters, cards, gifts, even the earrings I bought because I thought to myself that day "what would you pick?"... and you haven't even SEEN them! I'm ridiculous. But you already know that. And I'm rolling my eyes at myself right now because I know I'm being ridiculous. I don't NEED to be sad or lonely because you are always and will always be in my life. I just am. I am just plain sad. People ask me how I am and I burst into tears and have to cover my face or turn away. One second I am fine, and then the next I am a mess. It is much like you would be if I were the one to be gone, I am sure.

Acceptance and Hope. This one is tricky. I accepted that you were gone two days after you left. You asked me to come.. people will think I'm crazy, but I know what I saw and what I felt. You asked me to come with you. I said "No." I haven't told anyone why, and I know you already know. I don't want to put any pressure on the reason I stayed so I won't tell anyone. Expectations can sometimes ruin things. Like my paintings: if I expected to paint well I would be disappointed when they weren't good. And if I expect to create something ugly then I might do something to MAKE it ugly just so I could tell myself I'm not good at it and be hard on myself. If I have no expectations of creative talent then I put my heart into it and let the talent fall where it will. Same thing with this. I know why I stayed, and I will put my heart into it. And if it is meant to be good, it will be good. And if it is meant to not be good, then I will learn from that. Either way, there is reason that I am here. And though I wish we could have gone through this stage of life and death together, I know that it has been just as hard for you to leave me, as it is for me to be left behind. ... Please don't beg Jesus to come get me sooner. All things in time, my love. Our eternity began 23 years ago, and it isn't going anywhere.

So the things I hope for you, are that you can find happiness in heaven, and rejoice there. And decorate for me... make the silliest things and hang them on our walls. Add buttons to the nail polish blankets and tacky fabric art, and glitter to the table cloths. Make scarf holders from anything you can find (and fill them with scarves) and take longs walks by the rivers and make whistles out of blades of grass. Find something soft to touch to your eyelids and sexy boots to wear. Magazine time just got a whole lot more real. Scrapbook the walls with it! Anything is possible where you are and life has no limits! Wear your prettiest dresses every day and climb a mountain. Learn to fly like Peter Pan and swim like The Little Mermaid. Wake from a restful sleep to the prince of your dreams kissing you and telling you he fought off a dragon for you, and or that he hunted you down in the woods and rescued you, or found you despite the trials and tribulations put in front of him. Fight like Mulan and sing like the beauty that you are. The evils of the world can't get you now. They never will again. Heartache and bills will never creep into your thoughts because they have been taken away- all debts paid. Your smile doesn't HAVE to be the crazy, over-the-top "Rue smile" anymore. I know it will be, but not because you are proving anything, or showing the world what the world wants to see. It is all heart. And when you are not grinning from ear to ear, I know the look that is on your face now. I have a picture of it. My heart finds that smile that comes from the pit of your soul and reflects it.

I love you, my very dear girl. From age six to twenty-nine to a million and ten, I love you.